Emptiness and deep distress

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Going in circles with negative thoughts is not like me

But these days are being so extremely difficult: the emptiness from Athena’s disappearance. I’ve become a yoyo. And the mourning of Fenix. Can’t believe he is  gone for ever. At least I was able to burry his body.

Some don’t understand. It’s just an animal, they say. Wearing that look on their face. It hurts even more, I’d rather be alone. Hope comes like waves. So do horrible thoughts. Show me some compassion. I desperately need it.

I know, it’s a process only for me to do, the mourning, the accepting. Disgusting. How can earth still go around when my loved ones are no longer. A little empathy is soothing. A little listening. But for some reason cat stories annoy. Cat’s are self-sufficient. Why worry.

So I’m here on my own because no one can help. No one can do it for me. I have to swallow the pain, the tears. I have a new best friend. Netflix. In fact none knows how to deal with death.

 

 

 

 

 

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This stare is difficult to hold. How could I have known? It was only a few months ago. How to transition now? It feels good to write but and at the same time, so frivolous to enhance this page’s design while you watch.

You died at one year and two months of life. It is unacceptable. I was supposed to save you. And Athena had a house, no more garbage bin trips for food.

Once more, I need to stay focus for the rest of them.

I need to keep calm, as calm as possible. Not go mad and become a serial killer or something. Revenge is not the answer. I feel like a nuclear weapon inside though. It’s not right. It so is unfair.  Not knowing where Athena is, kills me. A thousand scenarios before my eyes from the moment I awake. Not being able to do anything. In both cases, it makes me feel guilty. I think my lungs are lacking air. I can only go numb, watch self-animated images or sleep. More and more.

It’s gonna take while.

 

All my cats are pets. Are family. They are my babies. But I cannot do anything. I cannot find Athena. I cannot prove who is responsible for Fenix’ death. And as if this was not enough, for the sake of the others, I should stay quite.

Close the garden.
And move.
Move on with my life.
Move somewhere else.

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